I'm so very, very sorry

Since Dick Durbin is apologizing for telling the truth, I thought I'd whip up a list of things I will need to apologize for in the coming months.

• Earlier I said that I was on vacation this week, when it turns out that I am, in fact, trapped under something heavy. I reget implying that my leave would be taken for leisure when instead I am waiting to expire from either starvation or dehydration.
• Earlier comments by me that the sky is a shade known as "blue" were a misstatement. The sky, as we all know, is gray. To say otherwise is to hate our freedom. I regret the error.
• Just this week I mentioned to a friend how I haven't followed baseball since the Cubs lost in 1984. Surely what I meant to say is that I haven't stopped following baseball over the last 21 years. This means I know for a fact that the Hartford Whalers are going to win the pennant. For reals.
• My current belief that eating less and exercising more as a way of losing weight is hurtful people who pay $153 for sugar pills, or thousands for drastic, body-altering surgery. Saying this was wrong and caused several small kittens in the area to expire instantly. I apologize.
• Muttered statements from my personage about tobacco being bad for you and possibly causing cancer? Those were ill-informed and I regret the damage it did to our friends in tobacco-growing states. Likewise, comments about Enron, Tyco, KBR, Halliburton, Arbusto Oil, FoxNews, and other multinational companies being giant, destructive leeches on human society? I regret the misstatement.
• I have, on several occasions, implied that our President, one George W. Bush, is a shitty excuse for a human being, let alone leader of this country. I should have known better. That is a vicious lie. As we all know, President Bush is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.